ANGRY ANXIOUS BOYS:
Angry boys often start out as anxious boys. Many of us come into the world and see it as an exciting, interesting place. Others see it as frightening, sometimes overwhelming. If the world is infinitely interesting one discovers ways to embrace complexity and to enjoy the constant exposure to opportunity. Those who encounter it as a threat may see the world as a set of situations that need to be controlled.
We can imagine that whichever one becomes is a complex process. It depends on heredity, where one grew up and with whom one developed. We all arrive with a different set of characteristics and vulnerabilities.
Small children who later become anxious children are those who closely observe the world around them and take it in mostly by using their senses and less by using thoughts. They literally feel the world around them and if that world is too loud, too dangerous, too threatening they react to protect themselves. But they are too little to do very much so they endure. Others observe but do so with more selective sensation and a developing ability to balance with reason and therefore become able to erect boundaries around experiences that might overwhelm them.
Anxious kids experience sensation mixing to the point of overload. They seek ways to control input as they evolve brain capacity. In part this is how temperament develops. Kids who sense too much discover that they cannot control the input but they can at least try to control those around them. That is, they can’t stop their body from sensing the tags on their underwear but they can scream at mom for choosing that particular pair of underwear.
Other kids seek comfort from another person as a way of quieting sensation. They reach out for help and in so doing develop trust in other people and establish relationship. The angry anxious kids don’t reach out. They try to manage by themselves. They discover that becoming aggressive immediately affords them a way to focus energy in a way that creates the illusion of control. They believe they can make a situation come under their control and this feeling of power takes away fear, anxiety and frustration.
These characteristics develop for all kinds of reasons but we probably need to assume that there is some heredity involved. That’s called a predisposition. It might also be that nobody was there to whom they could turn or that those there believed it was better for the child to learn to take care of things alone.
Some of us just come with a greater potential to develop certain traits given exposure to certain circumstances. Mix in any variety of circumstances at pivotal points in development and the result might be a complicated, temperamental, angry, anxious child.
A lot of these are boys. At least in times past the girls were better about seeking out nurturance, or maybe it was that parents were better about offering nurturance to the girls. The problem is that the boy does something to get noticed and that something isn’t usually recognized as a sign of his being anxious. It is often something that attracts the wrong kind of attention.
That might be why kids like that so often shout about how unfair the adult or the world is to them. They are focused on the first thing they experienced as a threat to their well being. They are not focused on what they did in response.
The world sees the last thing that happened. The world sees that child yelling or hitting or throwing and isn’t so concerned about why it happened. But the boy is and when he perceives a world unwilling to listen he gets angrier.
The behavior often begins with a sense of being trapped or overwhelmed and unable to manage. Experience showed him that shifting to aggression made him feel more in control. That’s when thought kicked in and the thought is that getting aggressive works. It makes no sense to him that everybody is so focused on what just happened. He wants to make them understand how it all started and he’s unlikely to stop until he does make them understand.
Consequences as a remedy for these kids need to start with at least an understanding of who that child is and how he encounters the world. If he is an anxious boy who manages his anxiety by becoming angry then the consequence needs to include some way to let the boy know that he is understood. Otherwise he will be unable or unwilling to accept any limits or to understand that his actions were an inappropriate response.
The stakes are high. Angry anxious boys grow into angry anxious men. Then we no longer have the luxury of trying to reshape his behavior with empathy and understanding.
FEAR, BAD DREAMS AND AVOIDANT BEHAVIOR:
THE DEVELOPMENT OF AN ANXIOUS CHILD
By the time you notice one; all three will already be present. Children try first to solve their own problems. They keep trying until the symptom becomes obvious to someone watching. That will be a parent, teacher, babysitter or another adult. Even though many adults observed the child, only one of them may catch a glimpse of the symptom. That adult was in the right place at the right time, not necessarily more attentive.
Anxiety is a physical reaction brought about by an emotional trigger. It begins as a thought. There might be danger. It isn’t like a rock rolling down a hill towards you, making all kinds of noise as it crashes through bushes, picking up speed. That’s a clear danger. There is no question how to react to that. This is a suggestion that there might be a rock, maybe right now, in two minutes or two days, that might appear around the next corner and get you or your parents or your cat. But, maybe not. Just in case, you’d better watch out.
The physical response comes next. If there is danger there are two options, fight or flee. In order to do either, fuel is required, adrenaline. The signal goes out to load up on fuel. You are now ready to roll, engine screaming, wheels spinning when, oops, wait a minute, maybe there isn’t anything there. Maybe it was just a thought.
The adult brain has stored mountains of data which validate reasons to be concerned. Children don’t yet have that data base nor the neurological pathways needed to piece information together. Children just sense and feel. The first feeling is fear.
Children might show fear by being irritable, having a tantrum or crying. They will not be able to put words to why they are reacting. They will not be able to tell you what happened. Usually, these reactions are single events. That’s normal. But some children are acutely sensitive. Those children may develop anxiety.
Anxiety at any age follows the same route. It is the excess of adrenaline and the lingering question about danger that causes physical symptoms. Those include wanting to jump out of your skin, feeling faint, clammy, light headed, tingling in fingers and toes, heart racing or skipping beats, etc. In an adult these symptoms may come as a panic attack. In a child it is more subtle and slower to develop. It may be physical or emotional or both. Some sense first through their bodies. Others first register via a psychological process. Sensitive kids soak up stimuli and develop a reaction. It starts with feeling afraid. In time the fear might become a bad dream.
Parents often notice when the child calls out or comes into the bedroom. Many kids keep it to themselves. Bad dreams reinforce fears that pop up during the day. Even at night, when the child should be relaxed and safe, scary things can intrude and threaten.
Eventually the child may become avoidant, such as the child who refuses to enter the classroom or get on the bus or go on the field trip. Most of those children eventually settle down once coaxed to follow through. But unless there is coaching anxiety will develop and reveal itself in unfortunate ways throughout the person’s life.
Pushing a child to go ahead, while necessary, is similar to learning to cope with a fear of crowds by forcing oneself to sit in the middle of a crowded theater. It can be endured but there is no pleasure from the experience and other similar situations will likely be avoided. One learns to cope, not to overcome.
Strategies boil down to a few key points. First be knowledgeable of the child’s developmental capacity and unique characteristics. Understand that these reactions happen for a good reason. They are rarely at first a manipulation for attention. If bad dreams develop there are ways to help the child become empowered to overcome them. If avoidant behavior is present the child must learn to both push through it but also to understand why symptoms are present so that other, future situations are not similarly avoided.
Smart, sensitive kids develop anxiety because they are smart and sensitive. Help them learn to understand themselves and their own process and you have equipped them with strategies that enable them to manage a world filled with uncertainty.
PLEASE GO TO THE BOOKS SECTION TO SEE NEW OFFERINGS ON KINDLE BOOKS
Angry boys often start out as anxious boys. Many of us come into the world and see it as an exciting, interesting place. Others see it as frightening, sometimes overwhelming. If the world is infinitely interesting one discovers ways to embrace complexity and to enjoy the constant exposure to opportunity. Those who encounter it as a threat may see the world as a set of situations that need to be controlled.
We can imagine that whichever one becomes is a complex process. It depends on heredity, where one grew up and with whom one developed. We all arrive with a different set of characteristics and vulnerabilities.
Small children who later become anxious children are those who closely observe the world around them and take it in mostly by using their senses and less by using thoughts. They literally feel the world around them and if that world is too loud, too dangerous, too threatening they react to protect themselves. But they are too little to do very much so they endure. Others observe but do so with more selective sensation and a developing ability to balance with reason and therefore become able to erect boundaries around experiences that might overwhelm them.
Anxious kids experience sensation mixing to the point of overload. They seek ways to control input as they evolve brain capacity. In part this is how temperament develops. Kids who sense too much discover that they cannot control the input but they can at least try to control those around them. That is, they can’t stop their body from sensing the tags on their underwear but they can scream at mom for choosing that particular pair of underwear.
Other kids seek comfort from another person as a way of quieting sensation. They reach out for help and in so doing develop trust in other people and establish relationship. The angry anxious kids don’t reach out. They try to manage by themselves. They discover that becoming aggressive immediately affords them a way to focus energy in a way that creates the illusion of control. They believe they can make a situation come under their control and this feeling of power takes away fear, anxiety and frustration.
These characteristics develop for all kinds of reasons but we probably need to assume that there is some heredity involved. That’s called a predisposition. It might also be that nobody was there to whom they could turn or that those there believed it was better for the child to learn to take care of things alone.
Some of us just come with a greater potential to develop certain traits given exposure to certain circumstances. Mix in any variety of circumstances at pivotal points in development and the result might be a complicated, temperamental, angry, anxious child.
A lot of these are boys. At least in times past the girls were better about seeking out nurturance, or maybe it was that parents were better about offering nurturance to the girls. The problem is that the boy does something to get noticed and that something isn’t usually recognized as a sign of his being anxious. It is often something that attracts the wrong kind of attention.
That might be why kids like that so often shout about how unfair the adult or the world is to them. They are focused on the first thing they experienced as a threat to their well being. They are not focused on what they did in response.
The world sees the last thing that happened. The world sees that child yelling or hitting or throwing and isn’t so concerned about why it happened. But the boy is and when he perceives a world unwilling to listen he gets angrier.
The behavior often begins with a sense of being trapped or overwhelmed and unable to manage. Experience showed him that shifting to aggression made him feel more in control. That’s when thought kicked in and the thought is that getting aggressive works. It makes no sense to him that everybody is so focused on what just happened. He wants to make them understand how it all started and he’s unlikely to stop until he does make them understand.
Consequences as a remedy for these kids need to start with at least an understanding of who that child is and how he encounters the world. If he is an anxious boy who manages his anxiety by becoming angry then the consequence needs to include some way to let the boy know that he is understood. Otherwise he will be unable or unwilling to accept any limits or to understand that his actions were an inappropriate response.
The stakes are high. Angry anxious boys grow into angry anxious men. Then we no longer have the luxury of trying to reshape his behavior with empathy and understanding.
FEAR, BAD DREAMS AND AVOIDANT BEHAVIOR:
THE DEVELOPMENT OF AN ANXIOUS CHILD
By the time you notice one; all three will already be present. Children try first to solve their own problems. They keep trying until the symptom becomes obvious to someone watching. That will be a parent, teacher, babysitter or another adult. Even though many adults observed the child, only one of them may catch a glimpse of the symptom. That adult was in the right place at the right time, not necessarily more attentive.
Anxiety is a physical reaction brought about by an emotional trigger. It begins as a thought. There might be danger. It isn’t like a rock rolling down a hill towards you, making all kinds of noise as it crashes through bushes, picking up speed. That’s a clear danger. There is no question how to react to that. This is a suggestion that there might be a rock, maybe right now, in two minutes or two days, that might appear around the next corner and get you or your parents or your cat. But, maybe not. Just in case, you’d better watch out.
The physical response comes next. If there is danger there are two options, fight or flee. In order to do either, fuel is required, adrenaline. The signal goes out to load up on fuel. You are now ready to roll, engine screaming, wheels spinning when, oops, wait a minute, maybe there isn’t anything there. Maybe it was just a thought.
The adult brain has stored mountains of data which validate reasons to be concerned. Children don’t yet have that data base nor the neurological pathways needed to piece information together. Children just sense and feel. The first feeling is fear.
Children might show fear by being irritable, having a tantrum or crying. They will not be able to put words to why they are reacting. They will not be able to tell you what happened. Usually, these reactions are single events. That’s normal. But some children are acutely sensitive. Those children may develop anxiety.
Anxiety at any age follows the same route. It is the excess of adrenaline and the lingering question about danger that causes physical symptoms. Those include wanting to jump out of your skin, feeling faint, clammy, light headed, tingling in fingers and toes, heart racing or skipping beats, etc. In an adult these symptoms may come as a panic attack. In a child it is more subtle and slower to develop. It may be physical or emotional or both. Some sense first through their bodies. Others first register via a psychological process. Sensitive kids soak up stimuli and develop a reaction. It starts with feeling afraid. In time the fear might become a bad dream.
Parents often notice when the child calls out or comes into the bedroom. Many kids keep it to themselves. Bad dreams reinforce fears that pop up during the day. Even at night, when the child should be relaxed and safe, scary things can intrude and threaten.
Eventually the child may become avoidant, such as the child who refuses to enter the classroom or get on the bus or go on the field trip. Most of those children eventually settle down once coaxed to follow through. But unless there is coaching anxiety will develop and reveal itself in unfortunate ways throughout the person’s life.
Pushing a child to go ahead, while necessary, is similar to learning to cope with a fear of crowds by forcing oneself to sit in the middle of a crowded theater. It can be endured but there is no pleasure from the experience and other similar situations will likely be avoided. One learns to cope, not to overcome.
Strategies boil down to a few key points. First be knowledgeable of the child’s developmental capacity and unique characteristics. Understand that these reactions happen for a good reason. They are rarely at first a manipulation for attention. If bad dreams develop there are ways to help the child become empowered to overcome them. If avoidant behavior is present the child must learn to both push through it but also to understand why symptoms are present so that other, future situations are not similarly avoided.
Smart, sensitive kids develop anxiety because they are smart and sensitive. Help them learn to understand themselves and their own process and you have equipped them with strategies that enable them to manage a world filled with uncertainty.
PLEASE GO TO THE BOOKS SECTION TO SEE NEW OFFERINGS ON KINDLE BOOKS