HIGH CONFLICT CUSTODY

          Kids caught between battling parents suffer because the battle robs them of what's necessary for their development at that time. They sometimes learn to get attention in the wrong ways. Nobody is paying attention to them in the right ways. Therapists with a particular belief or philosophy enter these situations with a model in mind and work to make the situation fit the model. They often also start from a position of advocacy for a parent. There is insufficient energy left to learn about the child’s real, daily world.

     These are always mini tragedies fueled by the hopes and emotions long since smashed . Once the legal battle ceases the conflict rages on but in a different way. I believe it is a mistake to start from a position of parent advocacy. Adults can be persuasive regardless of the merits of their position. Sometimes the better parent might lack communication skill or be so distraught as to be unable to stand up for him/her self in a system which wants to push these things through as rapidly as possible and which most often sides with the stronger voice. In like manner the child might be confused and really angry. That anger might render the child mute. No custody evaluator can get that child to say what he/she really thinks. That child doesn’t trust anybody.

      Therapists who believe they can understand these situations after only a few hours of exposure are sadly mistaken. The more drama, the more room for judgements and the greater the possibility for mistakes. What normally happens is that the professionals get sucked into the whirlwind, develop strong ideas, argue with each other, eventually come to some agreement for the parties and rush for the exit. All along the way they believe they are protecting the best interests of the children but often they have never really talked to the children nor had the opportunity to listen to them.

     Given the way the system is constructed there is little hope this will change any time soon. But there is a lot that can be done to help the children. First and most important we need to help the children learn to better live the life that they have. I’m not talking about helping them want the life that they no longer have or the life that the parent wanted them to have. I am talking about helping them learn to be resilient, to grow self esteem and talent within an environment of inconsistent parental support. They need to learn tolerance and respect but not at the expense of their ability to protect themselves. They need to understand that often things are not fair but there are some individuals worthy of their trust. The trick is in teaching them how to find them.

     Parents in these situations need to understand that the relationship the child has with them is  dependent upon the manner in which they interact with the child. Make the child come first, learn how that child encounters the world and put in lots of time and the relationship will flourish. More importantly, the child will rank that parent at the top of the list of trustworthy individuals. The parent who wants the court or professionals to make the child want to be with him/her never understands this. Parental alienation often happens but not because the other parent turned the child. It happens because the parent didn’t find a way to be in the life of the child.

     Those are strong statements which reflect belief and philosophy. It seems to me to be a better position than to presume to know which parent is better and to possibly launch into an effort to convince a child to be respectful of a parent incapable of behaving as a parent. It seems to me that it is better to help children learn to live the life they have. To do that it is necessary to establish their trust, to form a relationship with them within which resilience might be taught and learned. In like manner parents can learn to re-establish bonds with their children which were fractured by circumstances. The parental bond is a powerful thing. If it is not buried under anger and guilt it can be revived. Children are keen judges of sincerity. Give them a good reason to invest trust and they will. It is better to step up and give it a try before life sweeps away any remaining opportunity.

OBLIGATION

              But what about me?  Good question.  You come after your obligations have been satisfied which means you almost always come second.  That seems harsh.  But it is not so harsh if you find a way to find satisfaction in the effort of giving.  That doesn’t mean you don’t receive.  It means that you give first and sometimes receive.  You live the, “Tis more blessed to give than receive.”, maxim.

            This applies primarily to being a parent.  The odds are pretty good that you will end up in a divorce.  They are even better that you will end up in a relationship with someone not so willing to put the kids and you first.  Those are the individuals that have affairs or otherwise chase their “passions” at the expense of their families.  That leaves you to take care of things and it probably means you are occasionally very resentful and feel cheated.  You should be and you have been.

            As a full fledged parent though you need to understand that your obligations are not contingent upon your partners willingness to share the load.  If you married someone with more self interest than family first interest it means it all falls on you.  If you don’t pick it up your kids suffer.  If you try hard you can find satisfaction in shouldering this burden.  There are moments of respite.  In time you will discover it is no burden but true legacy.  You get to raise the future.  Your spouse went after the quick fix then spent the ensuing years trying to make that feeling happen again  

            It gets tricky when you start looking for new relationships.  It’s easy to become infatuated with someone.  It’s not so easy to find someone who fits your family.  You may not ask your kids to sacrifice their futures in order for you to find a mate.  That goes against what most of the books say.  Most of the books say that the parent’s happiness comes first.  But look around and you’ll find a lot of very difficult step family situations.  These happened because the parent’s needs were put in front of compatibility factors.  It’s not about mean kids trying to mess up mom or dad’s happiness.  It’s about mom or dad putting his/her happiness before obligation to the kids.  Personal happiness and successful satisfaction of obligation are possible but challenging.  Embrace the challenge and you’ve built something that lives on for generations.

PARENT/CHILD IMPASSE

         Most parents discover they have lost contact with a child long after the relationship fracture occurred.  By the time the problem is clear the dynamics have become overwhelming.  Sad, mad, frustrated, alone.  Entitled, arrogant, bossy, controlling.  Strong opinions from all involved.  Nobody knows what to do.

            Back up to the birth of the child.  If everything was relatively normal, attachment occurred.  That is, if the child was adequately cared for, if both parents demonstrated affection and the household was free of noise and danger then the newborn human attached to the parents.  That initial attachment is both easy and crucial.  It is easy to fall in love with your baby.  Something is seriously off track when that does not happen.  It is a hard wired program which is not dependent upon learned skill, personality or social status.  It is crucial in that it sets the stage for all relationships that follow.  It becomes the foundation for trust.

            When all that proceeds relatively normally a parent/child impasse becomes a complicated, emotionally wrenching experience.  That’s because there is perception of profound loss and betrayal of trust.  In times past these things came about when a young person stepped off the expected path onto one not sanctioned by the parent.  In most cases there was eventual reconciliation.  Today, however, these occur more frequently and are mostly a byproduct of divorce.  Reconciliation is now much more difficult.

            Sometimes the parent turned his/her back on the child.  Sometimes the child became too influenced by one parental perspective and not enough by the other.  Sometimes the child’s personality structure is challenging to one or both parents and inhibits the growth of relationship.  In all cases the variables are unique and complicated.

            Back up to the birth of the child again.  Another thing that seems hard wired is the desire to maintain that attachment bond if it was established at that crucial time.   This is unlike any other relationship.  All the others can be permanently discarded without a permanent scar.  Maybe not easy but possible.  The parent/child bond is permanent and remains tender forever if fractured.  That’s great if the parties are willing to seriously, sincerely try to reconcile.  That’s terribly painful if one or both are not willing.

            Until the child reaches the age of about thirty it is always the responsibility of the parent to initiate the reconciliation, repeatedly if necessary.  After thirty the responsibility to initiate shifts toward equality and eventually to where any chance of change lay entirely at the feet of the child.  That’s because as age in the parent increases their role changes and their influence/importance in the life of the child diminishes.  In order to effect relational reconciliation the person in the dominant position must be the one to demonstrate the willingness to seriously and sincerely reconcile.

            This is very hard work.  But just as the child’s attachment is hard wired so too is the parent’s. 

HOW MUCH TO TELL

            Difficult custody relationships are almost always built on a foundation of betrayal.  One or both parents feel betrayed by the other.  Perceived betrayal begets eruptive dynamics.  Perception is emphasized because at this stage both parties present convincing logic which explains why they feel the way they do or why they have behaved in the manner they did.  And therein lies much of the problem.

            Secrets  cause long term problems.  Untruths from parents to children cause irreparable damage to the parent/child bond.  Too much adult information damages children.  Too little information causes smart kids to fill in the gaps with perceptions that may be in error. Betrayed parents don’t trust the perceived betrayer.  Perceived betrayal fueled by emotion results in the parents need to protect the child from the source of the perceived betrayal.  How much to tell?

            Here’s something that is almost always true.  The child’s relationship with a parent is completely dependant upon the nature of the relationship the child has had with that parent from birth.  “Parental alienation” does not happen without the alienated parent having done something over a significant period or having neglected something over a significant period which damaged the parent/child bond of trust.  The parent/child bond is strong enough to withstand angry words.  Angry words can convince a child to hold back, to protect self if the bond is incomplete or damaged.

            Angry words and too much adult information over time can also weaken an otherwise strong bond.  The child receiving the information simply gets weary.  It feels bad to be around an angry, tense person even if it is the parent upon whom one depends.  Such an atmosphere prevents the normal day to day process and in time the child starts to look for relief.  Relief might come from being at the homes of friends or relief might come from the other parent’s new interest who is fun and interesting and never speaks of the problems.  Angry words and a tense atmosphere over time push the child to seek relief.

            It all comes down to judgment.  How much to tell rests upon a foundation of the parent’s willingness to be self aware and to put the needs of the child first

HELP, HOPE AND FAITH

            What helps?  Is it support, encouragement or advice?  Maybe it is information and a firm but caring push.  Sometimes it is a challenge that falls from the sky.  Many things might help but not without hope and not without faith.

            This process is most clear with young people but it applies to all ages.  Think how useful it is to give a young person specific, directive advice.  Does it make your relationship closer, warmer or is it an unexpected wedge?  It is probably an unexpected wedge.  That’s because you didn’t add hope and the young person lacked faith.

            We mature grownups politely receive the positive spin, the bumper sticker slogans and the gentle chiding and part of our brain hopes it is indeed true.  Young people take it and throw it unless you add hope and they have faith.

            Hope and faith are roughly equivalent only they approach from opposite directions.  Faith we build within ourselves.  Hope arrives from outside.  Both must have a foundation of truth.  The discouraged farmer is not helped by the simple reassurance that the weather will improve.  The farmer knows that.  The farmer knows that the issue is more complex and the farmer knows that the reassurer does not understand the complexity.  So the farmer politely accepts the support and goes on alone. 

            Help comes with the energy within hope.  The helper first becomes acquainted with a segment of the unique complexity of that individual farmer.  Like, understanding how the farmer has planned for several poor seasons and that the pressure of his struggling teenager is a distraction and that a similar time in the past resolved quite well.  The helper understands that the energy within hope can only be released if it is targeted at something which resides within the farmer.

            Hope frees the energy stored within faith.  The farmer has lived with himself and his unique processes and he has created a structure which has on balance been successful to this moment.  But he lacks the energy necessary to release the energy contained within the faith that lives in him. He is discouraged. 

            Effective help brings hope which releases energy stored in faith.