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APPOINTMENTS:

LEAVE THE LAST PIECE:

       When I was growing up our family gathered for late Sunday afternoon dinner.  Very often we had chicken.  It was one of my dad’s favorites.  The family was my mom and dad, my older sister and me.  My mom prepared the meal.  We shared one whole chicken.

          As he ate my dad made many remarks about how great the food tasted and about the wonderful preparation by my mom.  He’d lick his fingers and groan and smile.  It looked very much like he was feasting.  But I think it was more act than actual.  It was like the advertisements of people eating before the camera.  You know they have little in their mouths but it looks like they are having a feast.

          My dad’s favorite piece was the back.  He said he loved the back.  There is very little meat on the back.  He’d attack the back as if it were the most delicious thing he’d ever consumed. And if there was anything left of the chicken he’d not touch it.  He said his dad always taught him to leave the last piece.

          My dad grew up in rural, central Wisconsin.  He was born in 1915. His family was very poor.  The family was mother and father, three sisters all older than he, and him.  When they had chicken, which was not often and only on special occasions, there would be but one to share and his father said the back was his favorite piece.  I imagine their family ritual played out much like ours.

          My dad said he’d learned that the father’s responsibility was to take care of the family.  That meant that he might need to make sacrifices, like settling for the back.  Because they were so poor, if something could be saved for a time when it was more needed, it should be saved.  But more than anything else, the father never took the last piece of anything.

          The part I remember most is the attitude of my dad.  I said before I thought it was more act than actual.  But maybe not.  It could be that he had learned to love the moment of sacrifice more than the opportunity to have a full stomach.  I cannot say that I have encountered this attitude often.

          Mostly I’ve been taught that the most prized members of our species are the alphas.  The alphas require respect and their nature is to be aggressive and to take what they want.  The newest Ford commercial has the most recent American Idol singing, “I get what I want and I go where I please.”    The behavior of my parents and of theirs before was decidedly un-alpha.  Since so much flows from the act of feeding the family I suppose there were many similar un-alpha-like acts within the family.  Confusion happens because we all understand that we live in a universe of limited resources.  The choice becomes acting out the impulse to dominate and satisfy self interest or embracing the benefits of sacrifice and cooperation.  Leave the last piece.             

BOOKS:

APPOINTMENTS:

WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY:

       A sure sign of a relationship in trouble is when the couple has nothing to say to each other.   They go to the restaurant with the intention of making things better, to get back on track.  They leave feeling more discouraged.  They could find nothing to say.

          It’s all about energy.  In the early days when there was lots of it for the relationship there was no shortage of conversation.  Everything was interesting and needed to be shared.  Each bit shared sparked connections in the other expanding the exchange until a web of interaction had grown between them, keeping them close, keeping them joined.  There is still plenty of energy.  Little of it flows into the relationship.

          Neither intended to snip away at the web.  Other things required attention.  Other things transferred the energy.  At first they could always talk about kids, family, neighbors or work.  Gradually perceptions grew. “You never take a stand with the kids.”  “You hate my family.”  “You like talking to the neighbors more than me.”  “All you think about is work.”  That’s what is said.  But that is not what is meant.  “You are no longer interested in me”, is what is meant.

          Remember what was discussed at the beginning.  Probably it was consumed by talk about things of personal interest, things for which passion was felt.  And the other listened.  The other wanted to join the passion.  The two wanted to share the passion.  But then those other priorities intruded and perceptions grew and the passion became a solitary refuge, something not to be shared.  And in the not sharing the other felt betrayed.

          The task is to re-grow the web.  That will only happen if new energy is channeled into the exchange.  The source must be something new to both, something that makes each a little vulnerable.  Willingness to be vulnerable with another demonstrates trust.  Working on it together re-grows the web.

 So share ideas but don’t debate and never play devil’s advocate.  Take turns and listen.  Re-grow the web by making new connections which start with something shared by the other.  Conversation is interesting when one doesn’t know what’s coming next and when one does know that whatever it is the intention is to connect and not to win, critique, show off or dominate.

I CAN’T DATE BECAUSE OF THE KIDS

Everybody seems to have a rule about this one.  Don’t introduce anybody else into the lives of the kids until at least one year post divorce. It seems that many experts believe  kids lack the capacity to adjust to some kinds of change.  In fact kids are way more resilient than adults.  It’s all in how the parent introduces the change.

            No question it is destructive when a parent who has had an affair pushes the children to develop a relationship with the object of the affair.  But the damage is not always to the psyche of the child.  The damage is to the future relationship that child has with that parent.  Consider what the parent is doing.

            The parent is trying to convince the child that whatever happened that caused the divorce is reasonable, that loyalty feelings of the child to the other parent are misplaced, that the new stranger is no threat to the relationship between child and parent and a whole bunch of other things.  Way too much to swallow.  These parents are interested in one thing.  They want life to move along and they want whatever happened in the past to stay there. 

            The child is interested in only one thing, security.  If one parent splits, security is cut in half.  If either parent undergoes a radical character or behavior change security is further diminished.  If a new person with influence and baggage comes onto the scene security disappears.  When children sense security slipping away they do whatever they can to restore it.

            Pure and simple, kids who tell a parent that dating cannot happen are telling that parent that he/she is afraid of losing the parent. The child reasons that enough loss has occurred and it is time to put a stop to it.  No more changes.  No new people.

            Some kids get really good at this because they have lost a lot and are afraid of losing more.  In either case giving in to those motivations inhibits the development of resilience.  It is a bad thing when a parent stops behaving responsibly.  It is a tragedy when a young child learns that trust cannot be invested in a parent.  It is not a bad thing when a responsible, trustworthy parent introduces another responsible, trustworthy adult into the life of the child.

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APPOINTMENTS:

SPEAKING:

DEVELOPMENTAL SYNCHRONY:

Consider the process a contractor goes through during the construction of a building.  The contractor manages and facilitates developmental synchrony.  One aspect of the job leads to another and that to another.  No part of the process can proceed if something is out of synchrony.  Mistakes can be remedied but only with the expenditure of significantly more energy than would have been required if the task had been completed as planned.

          Human development is equivalent.  If certain bonding and attachment functions are interrupted or absent during the first two years of life the child has significant deficits.  These can be corrected but with difficulty.  If a child resists learning rudimentary skills like hygiene, shoe tying or telling time, and the parent, for whatever reason, allows that moment of learning to slip away, then that child faces a problem.  By the time the child wants to learn the task the developmentally synchronous time for it has gone by.  Instead of willing teachers and patient tutoring the child likely faces criticism and labeling.

          Skip ahead to adulthood.  Studies show that close to 30% of the Baby Boomers are single.  70% of them are actively dating.  Second marriages fail at a higher rate than first and third marriages even higher.  That’s because the developmentally appropriate time for coupling is before so many other competing priorities are acquired.  In midlife the coupling strategies learned earlier don’t work so well.  It’s not that successful relationships cannot be developed.  It is that it takes an entirely different method and a willingness to account for all of the complicating variables that have been acquired.

          Life constantly disrupts the developmental synchrony.  Illnesses and accidents happen.  Relationships fail.  Economies collapse.  Hurricanes, tornadoes and bird flu disrupt the plan.  It is then expected that the days, months and years after such a disruptive event might be challenging.  Too often we view the effects of disrupted developmental synchrony as a personal failure.  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it is a failure to adapt.  But that’s only for the least complicated disruptions.  The more complex require study and planning and since there is never enough energy it is a bad idea to devote any of it to blame or anger. 

          Everything is connected to and influenced by everything else.  When one is finally able to develop sufficient insight to understand that the task is hard because it is being undertaken at a less than optimal moment, the chances for success are greatly enhanced.         

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SPEAKING:

OUR PRODIGAL CHILDREN

The story of the Prodigal Son has always bothered me.  It seemed that the loyal son, the one who stayed and helped the father, lost status when the Prodigal son returned. 

The father understood that his loyal son might have hard feelings.  But he trusted that the relationship he and his son had built through the years was strong enough to withstand the stress of the moment.  He also understood his obligation to his other son, the Prodigal.

            The role of the parent is to give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed.  There is no guarantee that giving results in a positive outcome.  Parental giving is a sacrifice without expectation of reward.  Acknowledged effectiveness is a kind of reward.  Pride in the child’s success is a kind of reward.  Being a giving, loving parent does not guarantee that the child will be successful or that the child will take the desired path.  If it did many parents would withdraw support once they determined that the child wasn’t worth the effort.

            In our current state of frequent divorce imagine the consequences.  A painful divorce and prolonged custody struggle might result in a child with behavior problems.  If those behaviors were especially challenging, say if the child is a boy who hits and swears, steals and lies, and if that boy only exhibits those behaviors toward his mother and looks just like the dad that cheated on her, then she might conclude that he is a clone of the father and remove her nurture.

            The parent of the Prodigal Child understands that the obligations and the rewards of parenting are the same thing.  They are not dependant upon outcome.  The parent gives whatever is necessary whenever it is needed.  The reason this is so important is because there is no similar relationship.  Every other relationship is in some way contingent upon reciprocal relating.  Every other relationship has an escape clause because in every other relationship one must look out for self first.

            The story of the Prodigal Son gives the reason for this as well.  If we allow ourselves to become consumed by another we would then lack the ability to give sufficiently to our children.  We give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed.  In every other relationship we do what is possible to ensure that reciprocal relating exists.  When the reciprocity is lost, absent or not repairable we must exit.  We must safeguard our resources in order to care for our children at those times when nobody else will.

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SPEAKING:

WILL THEY STILL LOVE ME?

       Parent/child estrangement is a complex issue.  There are many causes.  The one certainty is that once it occurs making it better is difficult and takes a long time.  The best strategy is to prevent its occurrence. 

            In most cases estrangement grows over time until a breaking point is reached.  Divorce often is that breaking point.  Because divorce is often such a dramatic storm the fault of the estrangement is often placed upon the divorce, the custody struggles that may ensue and the behavior of the parties toward the children.  The parent estranged may blame the other parent for turning the child against him/her. 

            After more than twenty five years of listening to kids in these situations I have come to believe that it is much more complicated.  Many kids remain close to both parents even in the most bitter of divorces.  Many others remain close to a parent even when the other parent continually criticizes or vilifies him/her.  Some kids break off a relationship with a parent that looked completely normal prior to divorce.  So, what’s happening?

            Several universals are present.  Things are not always as they appear.  A truly solid relationship does not break entirely because of a divorce.  Children give parents endless chances to make it better.  Children crave a good parent/child relationship even when they have been without one for a long time.  And, once the relationship breaks it doesn’t re-establish until both parties are open to it.

            When a child is in a position of needing to depend upon a parent and that parent is not present, for whatever reason, the child gradually finds other ways to fill his/her needs for security.  If the parent chooses work, other activities or other relationships over the needs of the child then that child will gradually pull away and divorce may be the time when the bond is completely severed.  In a situation of a difficult marital relationship the parent might have stayed away from home more and more and abdicated much of the parenting to the other parent.  At the time of divorce, or often well before, the parent seeks relationship from someone other than the spouse.  When the divorce occurs that new relationship occupies even more of the parent’s time at a moment when the child’s access to the parent has been severely limited by the parent.

            An observation I have made over the years is that the kids who make the best psychological adjustment after a divorce are the ones who know what they think, have strong ideas, are not fence sitters and do not try to please both sides.  Sometimes that means they believe that a parent has broken a sacred rule and therefore cannot be trusted.  In the best situations the child learns to accept both parents for what they are and for whom they have become.  That child then maintains relationships on his/her terms and does not set self up for continual disappointment.  These are hard lessons and adjustments for a young person to make at such an early age but the long term health of the child is better when they do.  The ones that stay on the fence invest all manner of energy, hope and effort into trying to please both parties or in trying to restore the marriage.  It often takes a long time for those children to let go and to set an independent course.  Interestingly, those kids have a more negative outlook on relationships.  The ones who know what they think often become more accepting of the weaknesses in human beings and in relationships.  They are also better at protecting themselves from the mistakes made by their parents.

            Estrangement can be prevented by maintaining real relationships with children.  Understand their developmental needs at their stage of life.  Put them first all of the time.  Don’t defer responsibilities to the other parent.  Never give away time with the child and understand that new relationships in your life will be interpreted as something else that limits the time you have to give to the child.  Children are accepting and forgiving of parents with whom they have an unbreakable bond.  Teach your children to be strong minded and insightful.  This bond won’t break unless the parent breaks it.

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A HOLIDAY LETTER:

       Gift giving is complicated and sometimes dangerous, at least emotionally.  I remember a Christmas years ago when an older fellow gave his wife an expensive pair of really beautiful opal earrings.  She opened the box, huffed and tossed it aside.  He looked crushed.  Being in the profession that I am I immediately complicated the heck out of it wondering about all the possible things that might have happened previously that resulted in this little holiday drama.  Maybe he had been an abusive jerk and hoped the present earned back something.  Maybe she was irritable and entitled and nothing was ever good enough.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  I’ve thought about