OBLIGATION
But what about me? Good question. You come after your obligations have been satisfied which means you almost always come second. That seems harsh. But it is not so harsh if you find a way to find satisfaction in the effort of giving. That doesn’t mean you don’t receive. It means that you give first and sometimes receive. You live the, “Tis more blessed to give than receive.”, maxim.
This applies primarily to being a parent. The odds are pretty good that you will end up in a divorce. They are even better that you will end up in a relationship with someone not so willing to put the kids and you first. Those are the individuals that have affairs or otherwise chase their “passions” at the expense of their families. That leaves you to take care of things and it probably means you are occasionally very resentful and feel cheated. You should be and you have been.
As a full fledged parent though you need to understand that your obligations are not contingent upon your partners’ willingness to share the load. If you married someone with more self interest than family first interest it means it all falls on you. If you don’t pick it up your kids suffer. If you try hard you can find satisfaction in shouldering this burden. There are moments of respite. In time you will discover it is no burden but true legacy. You get to raise the future. Your spouse went after the quick fix then spent the ensuing years trying to make that feeling happen again
It gets tricky when you start looking for new relationships. It’s easy to become infatuated with someone. It’s not so easy to find someone who fits your family. You may not ask your kids to sacrifice their futures in order for you to find a mate. That goes against what most of the books say. Most of the books say that the parent’s happiness comes first. But look around and you’ll find a lot of very difficult step family situations. These happened because the parent’s needs were put in front of compatibility factors. It’s not about mean kids trying to mess up mom or dad’s happiness. It’s about mom or dad putting his/her happiness before obligation to the kids. Personal happiness and successful satisfaction of obligation are possible but challenging. Embrace the challenge and you’ve built something that lives on for generations.
THE PRODIGAL CHILD
The story of the Prodigal Son has always bothered me. It seemed to me that the loyal son, the one who stayed and helped the father, lost status when the Prodigal son returned. That didn’t seem fair. I had been reading the story from the perspective of a son. I think the lesson is from the perspective of the parent.
The father understood that his loyal son might have hard feelings. But he trusted that the relationship he and his son had built through the years was strong enough to withstand the stress of the moment. He also understood his obligation to his other son, the Prodigal.
The role of the parent is to give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed. There is no guarantee that giving results in a positive outcome. If it did many parents would withdraw support once they determined that the child wasn’t worth the effort.
Parental giving is a sacrifice without expectation of reward. Having some proof of the child’s success, such as being on the “A” honor roll, and the resulting pride in the child is a kind of reward received by the parent. But many kids don’t exhibit obvious successes that can be measured. Being a giving, loving parent does not guarantee that the child will be successful or that the child will take the desired path. Being a giving, loving parent does not guarantee that the parent will receive the reward of pride in the child’s success.
In our current state of frequent divorce imagine the consequences if parental obligation was tied to the success or failure of the child. A painful divorce and prolonged custody struggle might result in a child with behavior problems. If those behaviors were especially challenging, say if the child is a boy who hits and swears, steals and lies, and if that boy only exhibits those behaviors toward his mother and looks just like the dad that cheated on her, then she might conclude that he is a clone of the father and remove her nurture.
The parent of the Prodigal Child understands that the obligations and the rewards of parenting are the same thing. They are not dependant upon outcome. The parent gives whatever is necessary whenever it is needed.
The reason this is so important is because there is no similar relationship. Every other relationship is in some way contingent upon reciprocal relating. There is a give and take and an expectation of some sort of balance. Every other relationship has an escape clause because in every other relationship one must look out for self first.
The story of the Prodigal Son gives the reason for this as well. If we allow ourselves to become consumed by another we would then lack the capacity to give sufficiently to our children. We give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed. In every other relationship we do what is possible to ensure that reciprocal relating exists. When the reciprocity is lost, absent or un-repairable we must exit. We must safeguard our resources in order to care for our children at those times when nobody else will.
SUICIDAL TEENAGERS
Few situations are more frightening for a parent than to have a suicidal teenager. Fortunately, in most cases, the suicidal feelings are just that, feelings. There is no action. But in a few cases the young person carries out an attempt. In more cases the young person engages in some other form of self harm, like cutting, burning, purging, etc. There is no way to tell if the feeling will progress to action.
In my experience the young people most likely to act live in families where parents are least likely to understand the seriousness of the threat. That is not to say that these are bad parents. Most times they are good parents. But there is a family communication style which puts the young person at greater risk.
In these families the young person is less likely to discuss how he/she is feeling at an early stage. He/she is adept at covering up feelings and parents are often not tuned into signs of trouble until the signs are past obvious. These are families where nobody shares very much, at least not until they can no longer contain the pressure. Often times also one or both of the parents has had experience with depression. For any number of reasons their actions seem opposite from what one would expect. Their actions seem more to avoid knowing.
The danger with young people is their tendency to act on impulse. It is not difficult for them to convince themselves that no other option exists. For this reason it is important for parents to intrude, to do anything to interrupt the thought process, even to make the young person angry. Better to have a mad kid than one who acts on impulse. That means to sit with them until convinced they are OK. It means to barge into their room and to read the diary they have left out. These tactics can’t fly at other times but in this circumstance the parent doesn’t know whether the threat is real or just a feeling. The parent needs to err on the side of caution.
And while intruding make sure the young person gets the message that all the pressure and attention is about how much that young person is loved. Protection is the only item on the agenda.
PADDLING LIKE CRAZY
The river is long. When the journey began your child was an infant, snuggled down in a basket at your feet. Now your teenager can carry the canoe. You remain in the stern, where you belong. But there have been challenges. As you look ahead you feel the current quicken. At the same moment your teenager turns, looks you in the eye, and:
How would you write the next chapter?
Options:
Ordinarily it is unwise to attempt to change course midstream. That’s because
there were many sound decisions made prior to the current moment. To challenge them all and start anew during a moment of stress is potentially a poor decision. For the sake of this discussion let us agree to make every effort to stay with the canoe and to keep going downstream with all aboard. (This is not to say that it might not be necessary to beach the canoe or cut hard to the bank and hang on to overhanging tree roots in order to prevent going over a falls. In this scenario we assume that you in the stern looked at the map and have a reasonable idea that forging ahead is worthwhile.)
Most young people between the ages of 12 and 18 have a strong reaction to an immediately intense situation. For bright kids the reaction may be off the charts either in the form of too much response or too little. I’m talking about basic, general types. These include the highly self critical child prone to mood swings, the aggressive, self assured child who appears manipulative or arrogant, the timid, perfectionistic child afraid to make a mistake or the obsessive child who gets stuck on details and freezes up or slows way down in times of pressure.
MAPS:
Did you look at the map? Do you even have a map or believe that one is necessary? It is necessary and you need to look at it often. And you need to teach your teenager how to read and follow a map. This kind of map is different from a road map. It is not only a depiction of what is known. It is also an arena in which beliefs guide action. Acquired information combined with principles helps us navigate our river.
KNOWN INFORMATION:
You are the expert on you, your child and your family. Think about all the things you know and place that information into the context of now. How did we get here? If you don’t know for sure formulate a theory. In devising the theory take into account what happens at the developmental levels already experienced by everyone in your family. From this view does your current situation seem more understandable? Don’t put more emphasis on one family member or neglect the influence of another. You all worked together to get you to this place on your river. If you can develop a clear idea of where you are and how you got there the next stage of the trip will be more navigable.
Principles:
What are your principles? What are the ideas that guide you? From whom were they acquired? Have they changed over time? Do you revisit them often? How have your principles influenced the development of principles in your teenager? What are your teenager’s principles?
PLOTTING A COURSE:
The developmental level of each family member in large part defines the role of that family member. Your role is to take the stern seat most days and decide the days travel, with input from other members. Understand that a teenager’s developmental level will challenge your authority and seek to take the stern seat. In fact it will be important for the teenager to experiment with your seat for brief, defined moments, but not as rapids come into view and not when experienced leadership is required.
Remember that the greatest opportunity for time together in the canoe lay not during the early years but after adolescence into the long years of adulthood. What the two of you do now determines whether or not you will be in the same canoe or even on the same river.
DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY
Developmental theories describe general characteristics that are present at a given age. Some theories focus upon psychological and emotional development while others describe biological factors. Still other theories consider social factors, moral development and spirituality. All are valid and interesting but none of them accurately describe your child or you for that matter. All are approximations based upon the norm. It is up to you to become knowledgeable of the pertinent theories and to apply that acquired information to what you know about your child or yourself. You are the expert on you and your family.
The goal is self regulation and increasing successful independence. Ask yourself these questions: How do I promote self regulation and independence in my child? Am I doing it and is my child responding? What is helping? What is getting in the way?
Begin by evaluating your expectations, that is are they based upon what you know about the expected developmental level of your child, the social context of your life and the unique characteristics of your child and your family? Are your expectations reasonable? Put another way, do you really think your ADHD son will be able to get his homework finished after coming back from a three day visit with his dad where he forgot to take his medication, stayed up past midnight and watched an “R” rated movie? Considering the context and unique characteristics of this situation expecting that boy to fulfill the tasks expected at his developmental level become unreasonable.
Your job is to become an “Idiographic” researcher. You take into account general information about the average child at this developmental stage but you apply it to the unique person that is your child. That’s what becoming an expert means. Some of the information you acquire applies. The most important information is what you observe and know. Take everything you know and formulate your own unique theory. Be open to change as new factors become known.
Characteristics of Teenage Development:
Beginning to use abstract thought and logic but not in a mature manner. Prepare for heated arguments that sound to you to be completely illogical. The young person is convinced it is crystal clear and wonders what is wrong with you.
Idealism and pronouncements of absolute beliefs become common. Again these ideas are not tempered by maturity but they believe you simply have compromised or sold out. They are willing to sacrifice everything for a single idea.
They are beginning to drift back to a more ego centered way of thinking which prepares them to go out and to take responsibility for self in the world. This may conflict with their belief in loyalty to their peer group. Internal confusion ensues and may come out as anger.
This is the time for strong identity formation. While they are joining the social environment and seek to be part of the group they are also trying to stand out, to occupy their own unique niche that defines self.
All of these things are going on amidst physical growth. A growth spurt which adds inches to height also adds millions of brain cells. Input information that was in storage suddenly becomes relevant and the lights come on. The social challenge for each child is that the lights come on for different children at different times. Over night their identified peer group may no longer fit. What do they do then? That’s why relationships may be intense but relatively short lived.
Opposition = expression of independence. How does your child decide how far to stray? How does your child decide how much you are needed? How do you respond?
The above are developmental factors common to all children in this age category. For really bright kids multiply everything. They are more excitable, more intense, more competitive, more self righteous, more committed to a cause, more connected to peers and relationships or, they are way in the other direction. The point is that the brighter the child is the more extremes you will see. That’s because while there is intellectual giftedness there is no such thing as emotional giftedness. The brighter the child is the more likely it is that he/she will encounter challenges where intellectual fluency far outpaces the emotional development to manage comfortably. They perceive infinite variability in the universe and react to it in their own, unique manner.
Middle Age Developmental Factors:
Your child isn’t the only one experiencing developmental changes. You are too. Your stage is referred to as, “Generativity”. That is the concern for guiding the next generation. It is also concerned with the legacy you leave. Consider your context. How do your unique characteristics, your biology and history conspire to influence how you deal with your child?
Your actions are influenced greatly by your unique location along the developmental river. If you have younger children in elementary school your child in middle school has less effect upon your role identity. But if your middle schooler is your youngest you are rapidly approaching the rapids, the empty nest. Whether looking forward to it or dreading it the empty nest totally changes the role identity of the parent.
OUTCOMES:
Keep in mind that all of the above scenarios are completely within the norm. While challenging there is no indication of disordered process. If your instinct tells you that something else is happening, that it just doesn’t feel right, then it is time to ask for help.
Parents often disagree that consultation is necessary but sooner rather than later is usually best. In any case you as parent need to do something. With child rearing letting nature take its course or allowing natural consequences to occur may result in unnecessary upset or even damage to the child, the parents or the relationship. The best guide again is your informed instinct. Think about the developmental factors unique to your child and the context of the situation and your family. Being too timid or afraid to broach these subjects is usually a mistake. Stumbling around like the rest of us might get you where you want to be or at worst you’ll have no more than an angry teenager. You already are familiar with that.
To continue the metaphor, this is a crucial moment in your journey, your lifelong journey. Much of what happens next depends upon the course you have planned. Do you see your child eventually getting out of the canoe and going on down a different river without you? Do you desire the child’s companionship for the entire journey and if you do what roles do you each play? There are infinite possibilities.
PLEASE GO TO THE BOOKS SECTION TO SEE NEW OFFERINGS ON KINDLE BOOKS
But what about me? Good question. You come after your obligations have been satisfied which means you almost always come second. That seems harsh. But it is not so harsh if you find a way to find satisfaction in the effort of giving. That doesn’t mean you don’t receive. It means that you give first and sometimes receive. You live the, “Tis more blessed to give than receive.”, maxim.
This applies primarily to being a parent. The odds are pretty good that you will end up in a divorce. They are even better that you will end up in a relationship with someone not so willing to put the kids and you first. Those are the individuals that have affairs or otherwise chase their “passions” at the expense of their families. That leaves you to take care of things and it probably means you are occasionally very resentful and feel cheated. You should be and you have been.
As a full fledged parent though you need to understand that your obligations are not contingent upon your partners’ willingness to share the load. If you married someone with more self interest than family first interest it means it all falls on you. If you don’t pick it up your kids suffer. If you try hard you can find satisfaction in shouldering this burden. There are moments of respite. In time you will discover it is no burden but true legacy. You get to raise the future. Your spouse went after the quick fix then spent the ensuing years trying to make that feeling happen again
It gets tricky when you start looking for new relationships. It’s easy to become infatuated with someone. It’s not so easy to find someone who fits your family. You may not ask your kids to sacrifice their futures in order for you to find a mate. That goes against what most of the books say. Most of the books say that the parent’s happiness comes first. But look around and you’ll find a lot of very difficult step family situations. These happened because the parent’s needs were put in front of compatibility factors. It’s not about mean kids trying to mess up mom or dad’s happiness. It’s about mom or dad putting his/her happiness before obligation to the kids. Personal happiness and successful satisfaction of obligation are possible but challenging. Embrace the challenge and you’ve built something that lives on for generations.
THE PRODIGAL CHILD
The story of the Prodigal Son has always bothered me. It seemed to me that the loyal son, the one who stayed and helped the father, lost status when the Prodigal son returned. That didn’t seem fair. I had been reading the story from the perspective of a son. I think the lesson is from the perspective of the parent.
The father understood that his loyal son might have hard feelings. But he trusted that the relationship he and his son had built through the years was strong enough to withstand the stress of the moment. He also understood his obligation to his other son, the Prodigal.
The role of the parent is to give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed. There is no guarantee that giving results in a positive outcome. If it did many parents would withdraw support once they determined that the child wasn’t worth the effort.
Parental giving is a sacrifice without expectation of reward. Having some proof of the child’s success, such as being on the “A” honor roll, and the resulting pride in the child is a kind of reward received by the parent. But many kids don’t exhibit obvious successes that can be measured. Being a giving, loving parent does not guarantee that the child will be successful or that the child will take the desired path. Being a giving, loving parent does not guarantee that the parent will receive the reward of pride in the child’s success.
In our current state of frequent divorce imagine the consequences if parental obligation was tied to the success or failure of the child. A painful divorce and prolonged custody struggle might result in a child with behavior problems. If those behaviors were especially challenging, say if the child is a boy who hits and swears, steals and lies, and if that boy only exhibits those behaviors toward his mother and looks just like the dad that cheated on her, then she might conclude that he is a clone of the father and remove her nurture.
The parent of the Prodigal Child understands that the obligations and the rewards of parenting are the same thing. They are not dependant upon outcome. The parent gives whatever is necessary whenever it is needed.
The reason this is so important is because there is no similar relationship. Every other relationship is in some way contingent upon reciprocal relating. There is a give and take and an expectation of some sort of balance. Every other relationship has an escape clause because in every other relationship one must look out for self first.
The story of the Prodigal Son gives the reason for this as well. If we allow ourselves to become consumed by another we would then lack the capacity to give sufficiently to our children. We give whatever is necessary whenever it is needed. In every other relationship we do what is possible to ensure that reciprocal relating exists. When the reciprocity is lost, absent or un-repairable we must exit. We must safeguard our resources in order to care for our children at those times when nobody else will.
SUICIDAL TEENAGERS
Few situations are more frightening for a parent than to have a suicidal teenager. Fortunately, in most cases, the suicidal feelings are just that, feelings. There is no action. But in a few cases the young person carries out an attempt. In more cases the young person engages in some other form of self harm, like cutting, burning, purging, etc. There is no way to tell if the feeling will progress to action.
In my experience the young people most likely to act live in families where parents are least likely to understand the seriousness of the threat. That is not to say that these are bad parents. Most times they are good parents. But there is a family communication style which puts the young person at greater risk.
In these families the young person is less likely to discuss how he/she is feeling at an early stage. He/she is adept at covering up feelings and parents are often not tuned into signs of trouble until the signs are past obvious. These are families where nobody shares very much, at least not until they can no longer contain the pressure. Often times also one or both of the parents has had experience with depression. For any number of reasons their actions seem opposite from what one would expect. Their actions seem more to avoid knowing.
The danger with young people is their tendency to act on impulse. It is not difficult for them to convince themselves that no other option exists. For this reason it is important for parents to intrude, to do anything to interrupt the thought process, even to make the young person angry. Better to have a mad kid than one who acts on impulse. That means to sit with them until convinced they are OK. It means to barge into their room and to read the diary they have left out. These tactics can’t fly at other times but in this circumstance the parent doesn’t know whether the threat is real or just a feeling. The parent needs to err on the side of caution.
And while intruding make sure the young person gets the message that all the pressure and attention is about how much that young person is loved. Protection is the only item on the agenda.
PADDLING LIKE CRAZY
The river is long. When the journey began your child was an infant, snuggled down in a basket at your feet. Now your teenager can carry the canoe. You remain in the stern, where you belong. But there have been challenges. As you look ahead you feel the current quicken. At the same moment your teenager turns, looks you in the eye, and:
- He/she grins and digs in paddling hard. “Slow down”, you implore, “There are rapids ahead”. Your teenager paddles harder.
- He/she freezes. You shout out what to do to no effect.
- He/she shouts, “What do I do? I don’t want to make a mistake.”
How would you write the next chapter?
Options:
- Your teenager complies and follows your directives completely.
- Your teenager doesn’t listen, as the rapids come into view.
- Something in between happens. Some cooperation, some independent action.
Ordinarily it is unwise to attempt to change course midstream. That’s because
there were many sound decisions made prior to the current moment. To challenge them all and start anew during a moment of stress is potentially a poor decision. For the sake of this discussion let us agree to make every effort to stay with the canoe and to keep going downstream with all aboard. (This is not to say that it might not be necessary to beach the canoe or cut hard to the bank and hang on to overhanging tree roots in order to prevent going over a falls. In this scenario we assume that you in the stern looked at the map and have a reasonable idea that forging ahead is worthwhile.)
Most young people between the ages of 12 and 18 have a strong reaction to an immediately intense situation. For bright kids the reaction may be off the charts either in the form of too much response or too little. I’m talking about basic, general types. These include the highly self critical child prone to mood swings, the aggressive, self assured child who appears manipulative or arrogant, the timid, perfectionistic child afraid to make a mistake or the obsessive child who gets stuck on details and freezes up or slows way down in times of pressure.
MAPS:
Did you look at the map? Do you even have a map or believe that one is necessary? It is necessary and you need to look at it often. And you need to teach your teenager how to read and follow a map. This kind of map is different from a road map. It is not only a depiction of what is known. It is also an arena in which beliefs guide action. Acquired information combined with principles helps us navigate our river.
KNOWN INFORMATION:
You are the expert on you, your child and your family. Think about all the things you know and place that information into the context of now. How did we get here? If you don’t know for sure formulate a theory. In devising the theory take into account what happens at the developmental levels already experienced by everyone in your family. From this view does your current situation seem more understandable? Don’t put more emphasis on one family member or neglect the influence of another. You all worked together to get you to this place on your river. If you can develop a clear idea of where you are and how you got there the next stage of the trip will be more navigable.
Principles:
What are your principles? What are the ideas that guide you? From whom were they acquired? Have they changed over time? Do you revisit them often? How have your principles influenced the development of principles in your teenager? What are your teenager’s principles?
PLOTTING A COURSE:
The developmental level of each family member in large part defines the role of that family member. Your role is to take the stern seat most days and decide the days travel, with input from other members. Understand that a teenager’s developmental level will challenge your authority and seek to take the stern seat. In fact it will be important for the teenager to experiment with your seat for brief, defined moments, but not as rapids come into view and not when experienced leadership is required.
Remember that the greatest opportunity for time together in the canoe lay not during the early years but after adolescence into the long years of adulthood. What the two of you do now determines whether or not you will be in the same canoe or even on the same river.
DEVELOPMENTAL THEORY
Developmental theories describe general characteristics that are present at a given age. Some theories focus upon psychological and emotional development while others describe biological factors. Still other theories consider social factors, moral development and spirituality. All are valid and interesting but none of them accurately describe your child or you for that matter. All are approximations based upon the norm. It is up to you to become knowledgeable of the pertinent theories and to apply that acquired information to what you know about your child or yourself. You are the expert on you and your family.
The goal is self regulation and increasing successful independence. Ask yourself these questions: How do I promote self regulation and independence in my child? Am I doing it and is my child responding? What is helping? What is getting in the way?
Begin by evaluating your expectations, that is are they based upon what you know about the expected developmental level of your child, the social context of your life and the unique characteristics of your child and your family? Are your expectations reasonable? Put another way, do you really think your ADHD son will be able to get his homework finished after coming back from a three day visit with his dad where he forgot to take his medication, stayed up past midnight and watched an “R” rated movie? Considering the context and unique characteristics of this situation expecting that boy to fulfill the tasks expected at his developmental level become unreasonable.
Your job is to become an “Idiographic” researcher. You take into account general information about the average child at this developmental stage but you apply it to the unique person that is your child. That’s what becoming an expert means. Some of the information you acquire applies. The most important information is what you observe and know. Take everything you know and formulate your own unique theory. Be open to change as new factors become known.
Characteristics of Teenage Development:
Beginning to use abstract thought and logic but not in a mature manner. Prepare for heated arguments that sound to you to be completely illogical. The young person is convinced it is crystal clear and wonders what is wrong with you.
Idealism and pronouncements of absolute beliefs become common. Again these ideas are not tempered by maturity but they believe you simply have compromised or sold out. They are willing to sacrifice everything for a single idea.
They are beginning to drift back to a more ego centered way of thinking which prepares them to go out and to take responsibility for self in the world. This may conflict with their belief in loyalty to their peer group. Internal confusion ensues and may come out as anger.
This is the time for strong identity formation. While they are joining the social environment and seek to be part of the group they are also trying to stand out, to occupy their own unique niche that defines self.
All of these things are going on amidst physical growth. A growth spurt which adds inches to height also adds millions of brain cells. Input information that was in storage suddenly becomes relevant and the lights come on. The social challenge for each child is that the lights come on for different children at different times. Over night their identified peer group may no longer fit. What do they do then? That’s why relationships may be intense but relatively short lived.
Opposition = expression of independence. How does your child decide how far to stray? How does your child decide how much you are needed? How do you respond?
The above are developmental factors common to all children in this age category. For really bright kids multiply everything. They are more excitable, more intense, more competitive, more self righteous, more committed to a cause, more connected to peers and relationships or, they are way in the other direction. The point is that the brighter the child is the more extremes you will see. That’s because while there is intellectual giftedness there is no such thing as emotional giftedness. The brighter the child is the more likely it is that he/she will encounter challenges where intellectual fluency far outpaces the emotional development to manage comfortably. They perceive infinite variability in the universe and react to it in their own, unique manner.
Middle Age Developmental Factors:
Your child isn’t the only one experiencing developmental changes. You are too. Your stage is referred to as, “Generativity”. That is the concern for guiding the next generation. It is also concerned with the legacy you leave. Consider your context. How do your unique characteristics, your biology and history conspire to influence how you deal with your child?
Your actions are influenced greatly by your unique location along the developmental river. If you have younger children in elementary school your child in middle school has less effect upon your role identity. But if your middle schooler is your youngest you are rapidly approaching the rapids, the empty nest. Whether looking forward to it or dreading it the empty nest totally changes the role identity of the parent.
OUTCOMES:
- Your teenager complies and slows. You give directions when to switch sides and how hard to paddle. Your teenager does only what you direct. You steer the canoe through the upcoming rapids smoothly. That teenager can’t yet act independently. He/she needs your guidance. The question is for how long and when do you let go?
- Your teenager doesn’t listen and paddles harder and harder into the upcoming rapids. You shout directions which are ignored. Everything starts happening fast as you try to steer the canoe, shout at your teenager and react to the chaos. You might get lucky, make it through and have an argument as you catch breath. Or you might dump. That teenager is unlikely to listen in the immediate aftermath. Find a quiet time removed from the incident and discuss impulse control.
- Your teenager freezes up, afraid to do the wrong thing or is flooded with options and unable to act. In whatever the aftermath becomes that teenager will be filled with negative feelings about self.
- Something in between. You see the gleam in your teenager’s eye as you shout, “Okay hotshot, follow my lead and paddle like crazy”. You shoot through the rapids whooping all the way.
Keep in mind that all of the above scenarios are completely within the norm. While challenging there is no indication of disordered process. If your instinct tells you that something else is happening, that it just doesn’t feel right, then it is time to ask for help.
Parents often disagree that consultation is necessary but sooner rather than later is usually best. In any case you as parent need to do something. With child rearing letting nature take its course or allowing natural consequences to occur may result in unnecessary upset or even damage to the child, the parents or the relationship. The best guide again is your informed instinct. Think about the developmental factors unique to your child and the context of the situation and your family. Being too timid or afraid to broach these subjects is usually a mistake. Stumbling around like the rest of us might get you where you want to be or at worst you’ll have no more than an angry teenager. You already are familiar with that.
To continue the metaphor, this is a crucial moment in your journey, your lifelong journey. Much of what happens next depends upon the course you have planned. Do you see your child eventually getting out of the canoe and going on down a different river without you? Do you desire the child’s companionship for the entire journey and if you do what roles do you each play? There are infinite possibilities.
PLEASE GO TO THE BOOKS SECTION TO SEE NEW OFFERINGS ON KINDLE BOOKS